Jailhouse chicken hacks
When I was taken to county jail, I was placed in a holding cell for many hours. Other females came and went and some were booked in and others released on bail or bond. I was arrested on a misdemeanor warrant during a routine traffic stop. I was driving myself to lunch. I had skipped breakfast to prepare for the meal and I was starving. After several hours, it seemed, after all of the other females had been transferred, I was alone in the holding cell. I was freezing cold and dreaming of hot food.
image source : Getty Images
God has a sense of humor for sure because the next two women to be placed in the cell with me were a bright skinned black woman in her early thirties who had been caught smoking a "dodi stick" (hydroponic cannabis rolled in cigar leaf) during her break and a white and hispanic mixed woman in her late thirties who had just clocked in to work for her first day as waffle house manager only to be arrested for missing an hour of community service. The cops were there when she arrived. They spilled syrup on her as they were cuffing her somehow. She smelled delicious and the combination of the chicken grease ad maple syrup was intoxicating.
Over the course of the next few minutes, the two new girls stood at the window of the holding cell staring out.
The Popeye's lady started to cry and began to blurt out things like " I got arrested at work. That is such bullshit, I was just about to get off too Man, that aint right, How the hell did they catch up to me? I had just lit that shit, who was watching me? Who is gonna take care of my house, how long am I going to be here?"
The Waffle House lady started to cry too and then she stared chiming in.
If you have never heard two women cry and try to talk over one another, don't bother, it is impossible to decipher.
But somehow, chicken and waffles found solace in each other's plight and hugged. They seemed like unlikely friends one was from a racist suburb and the other from the hood but, as the hours went on, the two found themselves cuddled together in a corner sleeping soundly and warmly by combining their body heat.
By then others had come in and I was chatting with a woman from my neighborhood who had been picked up with too many pills. I was starving and the chicken and waffles smell was still in my mind. The guard knocked and asked if anyone wanted a tray. All five of us took one. It was mystery meat. I was still stuck on chicken and waffles.
Like the ones that Melba Wilson made when she beat Bobby Flay
The next morning, I was finally booked and bunked in right as the 3:30 breakfast rolled in
Cold waffles for breakfast . I was like "really God? Really? "That was about as screwed up as this guys version of chicken and waffles
As the days went on and I spent more time in jail, I started to watch the women when they cooked. We had a microwave and a hot pot for water but many facilities do not have such luxuries as described in the following excerpt
When it comes to food, convicts are ingenious. Dried pasta and canned goods are prepared with nothing more than a pair of nail clippers.
In prison, food takes on a significance that’s nearly unimaginable in the outside world. Sometimes it’s a scarce resource that confers power; everywhere it’s a status symbol and a form of currency. Cooking behind bars, was one of the few kinds of freedom us convicts could enjoy. On the flip side, food symbolizes a rigid social order. It doesn’t matter what kinds of friends you had on the outside, in lockup you don’t eat with other races. Period. So, food is a powerful thing for convicts, both a daily reminder of your awful situation, and one of the only outlets for creativity and sources of pleasure.
I saw a woman crush saltines with a pouch of cooked chicken breast then roll the mix in ramen and microwave it. Other women used a method similar to the ones described BY KEVIN PANG author of Fixed Menu
There’s no actual chicken in the prison chicken nugget recipe, but commissary connoisseurs still manage to recreate the dish as a placebo food. Two inmates named Jan Kosmulski and Troy Peoples explain:
Kosmulski: “Take ramen noodles, boil it down to literally mush. You ball it up, put a piece of cheese and beef summer sausage in the middle. Make sure it’s tightly wound up. You cook it in the microwave for ten minutes until it’s brown.”
Peoples: “It’s not actually a chicken nugget. It’s the idea. It’s only in your mind. If you ain’t had a chicken nugget in a while, and it’s in the shape of a chicken nugget, it’ll remind you of a chicken nugget.”
If I had stayed longer, I may have resorted to cooking my own food, like JaRule did when he went to prison and like most inmates do in county. And just between me and you, I am still waiting for Ja Rule to come out with his microwave prison cookbook.
Ja says he rarely ate the food in the chow hall
It seemed as if chicken substitutes and this packaged chicken that was sold for $3.50 on commissary were something the inmates were all craving.
We were served oranges often so inmates in my dorm would microwave chicken flavored ramen and add hot sauce, some orange juice and cheez spread then top with the chicken. It looked pretty gross to me but, the women who ate it loved every bite.
In jail food has a sort of placebo effect that mimics comfort or brings back fond memories.
Learn how one artist is shedding light on the artistry that goes into cell block fare
Karla Diaz is not a chef, but she's gained a dedicated following for the food she makes. A performance artist in Los Angeles, Diaz has spent the past six years demonstrating how to cook dishes like tamales made out of of Cheetos, soup from Corn Nuts and pork rinds, and orange chicken made with instant ramen and strawberry jelly.
She doesn't use a stove, a blender, or conventional utensils—just tools that can be built out of trash bags and toilet paper, and ingredients she would find if she were incarcerated. She calls it "prison gourmet."Cooking in prison is a rite of passage for inmates, and Diaz isn't the first one to bring it to the masses
"The idea of 'gourmet' is something high-quality, high taste. That's not what this is," she explained. The ingredients aren't fancy; the technique, although creative, is improvisational. The DIY recipes are special, Diaz said, because of what they represent to the inmates—a chance to feel like a human being again.
I still haven't figured out how to make good ramen waffles in a jail cell yet but, I did find some creative recipes to share with you.
This recipe in the video below can be made with the pork skins and the packaged chicken breast or slim jims for a sauce that can be served over rice or noodles. It only tastes good if you have been in for a minute and most people use way less koolaid
you can make awesome chicken tamales by using your commissary chicken with this base recipe
There are several variations
Whether you are on the inside or out, food is an important part of our daily life. In jail, deciding what to eat is one of the only decisions a person will get to make on their own behalf.
What is your favorite comfort food recipe? Do you have any fond or foul memories of jail food that you could share?
